Our third day home

She still smelled new. Her linens were neat and folded, her little white onesies were washed, her bassinet was placed next to our bed so that I could reach her easily for feeding and changing while I healed. I felt no pain from birth and no worries about anything that was happening in the world. I was a new momma. I stared at her for hours and felt I needed no sleep...ever. I was on a momma high, I was smitten. She was the most flawless baby I have ever seen, the curl on her forehead, the big pouting lips.
I breast fed her colostrum and thought how lucky I am to have such a smart girl that latched so well, I knew she was brilliant. On the third night home, my milk had not come in. Eleanor had woken up and was hungry. I knew she wanted milk. I tried my hardest to give her all I had. I knew milk would come soon, but at this time I felt hopeless and had no faith that anything would happen. She started to cry harder. I fed her more, in hopes that stimulation would create milk. Nothing happened. She fell asleep. two hours later, she awoke again, I fed her all I had. I fed her, and pumped, until I was sore. She cried, we did everything to comfort her. She fell back to sleep. I knew the problem, I knew the issue and how to solve it. Wes and I took turns through the entire night. We both could not sleep when it was our turn to rest. We felt powerless to this beautiful little baby. She was just as frustrated, she was hungry, and she cried, alot. I had infant formula but was hesitant to use it, I wanted to be the woman who could breastfeed, who could provide flawlessly to her baby.
Ten hours had passed. Crying, colostrum, crying, sleeping, repeat. I had never felt the emotions that I was having, I didnt know what to do other than breakdown and cry. I was uncontrollable and inconsolable. I felt I was less of a mom for not being able to produce milk. Wes was in no better shape than I was. He had feelings on a whole other level. Something dads can only understand. We decided to give her formula. I was ashamed, but I wanted my baby to be content. I didnt care about being the mom I expected myself to be, I was becoming the mom I needed to be. Eleanor eagerly drank the formula and fell fast asleep. My milk came in generously the next afternoon.